In the caverns of hope that exist somewhere between dreaming and loving, I built a cabin for our children to run. It was the one you told me about in December. A mighty cabin coming out of nature itself; a streamlined hobbit hole emerging from the rock.
I’ve gone there quite a bit since it was first described to me. Whenever I’ve missed you or felt the whisper of your love directed toward another, I’d walk its hallways picking up children’s toys. Thank you for that. I mean it. On this Easter eve, however, I’m knocking down your precious architecture.
This cabin is no longer a safe-haven for me (and perhaps never was). Not truly. It was something conjured when I seemed intoxicating to your heart. I understand (have for an age) that you prefer beaches to stone. My wooded oasis is what I treasure, not what you would call a miraculous find. I respect this. You desire another. Not I. Not ever.
Our friendship will be what it will be. I still love you. Cannot help but think of you as my bones ache towards a future of family and commitment. I’m not abandoning you. Though it’d be simpler if I could loathe you, I am not wired to hate the soft spoken. You are my Ferdinand the Bull: My always gentle soul, smelling flowers while others trample the daises.
I’d like to think that you and I could make it, together. Its something I am unable to disrobe. I am yours above all else. With all this said, it is time I focus inwardly—-I must love myself too.
I am packing away fantasies for awhile; I am boxing up notions of white knights and nobility. Surely, I can save the hapless princess just as well as any man. I can save myself.
Please, do not fret over where the feet I walk tread. I wear comfortable shoes. I shall seek out a new hovel to frequent within the nexus of my body. I bet you didn’t know this, but my name means ”the light” or “the light of God.” I suppose this means I’ve got an inner flame to shield me from any encroaching darkness. I shall build my own shelter; I shall create a home just for me. I will soldier on. I am free.